Why is it so hard for so many parents and teachers to get kids to do as they are told? Because too many adults have followed some very bad advice. Family psychologist John Rosemond offers some useful tips on how to get the little barbarians to listen.
When was the last time you heard a child referred
to as obedient?
to as obedient?
It’s probably been a while.
That’s too bad because the best research
tells us that obedient children are happy children.
And, from my experience as a family psychologist,
the parents of obedient children are happy parents.
Since all parents want their children to be
happy, the question becomes:
How does one get a child to obey?
Is there some trick to it?
Well, there are certainly are a lot of parents
who think so.
They believe that proper discipline is a matter
of using the right methods, techniques,
and strategies: what I call consequence delivery
systems.
Parents have been using these behavior-modification-based methods
since they became popular in the 1960s – seemingly to no avail.
Would anyone argue that today’s kids are
more obedient than kids were several generations ago?
I don’t think so.
The reason these methods and techniques don’t
work is that proper discipline is not a matter
of proper methods.
It’s a matter of a proper attitude on the
part of the parent.
Let me illustrate the point.
Let’s say that for a week I observe the
classroom of a grade school teacher who has
the reputation of being the best disciplinarian
in her district.
She consistently has fewer behavior problems
than any of her colleagues.
What is she doing?
She’s making her expectations perfectly
clear.
Which means, first, she communicates in simple,
declarative sentences.
She doesn’t use fifty words when she could
use ten.
The more words you use to communicate your
expectations, the less confident you sound.
Second, she prefaces her instructions to her
students with authoritative phrases like
“I want you to…” and “It’s time for you
to…”
She says, “It’s time for you to take out
your math books and turn to page 25”
as opposed to “Let’s take out our math books
and turn to page 25. Okay?”
Third, this teacher does not explain the motives
behind her instructions to her students.
Why?
Because she knows that explanations invite
arguments.
Whenever parents tell me they’re dealing
with an argumentative child I know that these
well-intentioned people are explaining themselves.
They tell their child why they want him to
pick up his toys, for example.
And he argues, because you can always pick
apart an explanation.
If you don’t explain yourself when you give
an instruction to a child, then the child,
being a child, is almost surely going to ask
for one.
Well, there are certainly are a lot of parents
who think so.
They believe that proper discipline is a matter
of using the right methods, techniques,
and strategies: what I call consequence delivery
systems.
Parents have been using these behavior-modification-based methods
since they became popular in the 1960s – seemingly to no avail.
Would anyone argue that today’s kids are
more obedient than kids were several generations ago?
I don’t think so.
The reason these methods and techniques don’t
work is that proper discipline is not a matter
of proper methods.
It’s a matter of a proper attitude on the
part of the parent.
Let me illustrate the point.
Let’s say that for a week I observe the
classroom of a grade school teacher who has
the reputation of being the best disciplinarian
in her district.
She consistently has fewer behavior problems
than any of her colleagues.
What is she doing?
She’s making her expectations perfectly
clear.
Which means, first, she communicates in simple,
declarative sentences.
She doesn’t use fifty words when she could
use ten.
The more words you use to communicate your
expectations, the less confident you sound.
Second, she prefaces her instructions to her
students with authoritative phrases like
“I want you to…” and “It’s time for you
to…”
She says, “It’s time for you to take out
your math books and turn to page 25”
as opposed to “Let’s take out our math books
and turn to page 25. Okay?”
Third, this teacher does not explain the motives
behind her instructions to her students.
Why?
Because she knows that explanations invite
arguments.
Whenever parents tell me they’re dealing
with an argumentative child I know that these
well-intentioned people are explaining themselves.
They tell their child why they want him to
pick up his toys, for example.
And he argues, because you can always pick
apart an explanation.
If you don’t explain yourself when you give
an instruction to a child, then the child,
being a child, is almost surely going to ask
for one.
He’s going to ask Why? or Why not?
At which point… get ready for a big surprise…
your answer should be “Because I said so.”
These very useful four words – and no, they
will not cause psychological damage to your kids;
quite the contrary -- are a simple,
but powerful affirmation of the legitimacy
of your authority.
Say it calmly.
Don’t scream it.
Nothing good is ever accomplished by a person
who screams.
Last, but certainly not least, when giving
instructions to a child, do not… let me repeat…
do not bend down to the child’s
level.
Getting a child to do what he or she is told
is a matter of looking and acting and talking
like you have complete confidence in your
authority.
Bending down to a child’s level does not
look authoritative.
It looks, in fact, like you’re one movement
away from being down on your knees in front of a king.
I know, you’ve read somewhere that you should
get down to a child’s level when you talk to him.
Well, all I can tell you is that there’s
a lot of really bad parenting advice out there.
And that’s but one example.
Speak to children from an upright position.
That causes them to look up to you.
And that is a good thing: for them and for
you both.
Source - John Rosemond, author and family psychologist.
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